Where Does It Hurt? The Guilt of a Failed Parent

                                 

I've never met a mother who has raised a rebellious child who doesn't blame herself. Each one wonders what she did wrong, wishes she had done things differently, and lives with the pain of guilt for the rest of her life. She cries rivers and has countless sleepless nights. And the pain never goes away. 

My first child was a rebellious child. In his early years he was bullied and picked on, even by his own brother. He was a loving and kind child, so rather than fight back he cried and ran away. This was gratifying for the bullies, so the actions grew more intense. And still he never fought back.

At home he had a step-father who bullied him for different reasons, but the crying and screaming that he did was annoying, and the step-father would punish him for that. My husband and I had different ways of correcting the kids, and that caused even more problems because I was not as harsh as my husband thought I should be. So, he would bully my son even more.

It didn't take long as a teen for him to find ways to escape his troubles by finding a group of friends to hang out with that smoked pot. My son would disappear in the evenings to meet with his friends. He would also disappear from his room after we had all gone to bed. Some nights the police brought him home. Other nights I lay awake, waiting for him until I would finally fall asleep. 

We were in and out of juvenile court for small thefts and a breaking and entering so many times that they threatened to remove him from our custody. If we couldn't control him, they would put him in a retention center. It never happened, but there were times when I was so frustrated, so tired of waking up each day wondering what we were going to face that day, that I didn't know how much more I could endure. 

I'm no exception to the rule. I've cried and prayed, and had many sleepless nights wondering about all the things I should have done to help him with his pain and to become a more responsible adult. Why didn't I leave my husband? Why did I allow some of the things that happened that I knew were so painful for him? Why didn't the kids tell me about the things that their step-father did when I wasn't around? Why? Why didn't I do more?

Counselors and pastors and everyone you confide in will tell you, a parent can only do what they know to do. You can't beat yourself up because you didn't know what to do. You can't blame yourself. 

My son was seventeen years old when I accepted Christ as my Savior. I was desperate for my children to know Him, so I dragged them to church and tried to do everything I could, knowing that I had little time before they left home. But my pushing only made it worse. He and his brother wanted nothing to do with church or this Jesus that I talked about. And, by the time I realized that I should relax and let God do the work, they were gone from the house. Their childhood was over, and I had let them grow up without a secure home, a loving atmosphere, and without Jesus.

Psalm 27: 13-14 in the NASB says, "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."

This verse comforts me when I feel the despair coming. The Holy Spirit comforts me when the guilt creeps in and the enemy tries to slay me with condemnation. The presence of my Savior within me stills the anger that I sometimes feel when I think about what I allowed to happen. And the pain becomes easier to bear because of the love I feel from Christ. But the pain is still there. And the guilt is still there. And I bask in the love of the Father, and He carries me through. And, He says, "Peace. Be still, and know that I am God. And I love you." And Jesus reminds me that He understands pain, He understands what my son has been through. He knows. 

I can't imagine what I would be like today carrying this pain and guilt if I didn't have the grace and love of Jesus Christ in my life. Before Christ, I was an angry, hot-tempered, self-centered, and nasty woman. I still have to work on these things, and more, but without Him I'm not sure I would be tolerable. Everyone has pain. Most people have some sort of guilt that haunts them. He doesn't always take the pain away, but it is His grace and love that makes them easier to carry because He helps us with our load.